Because our young children are relatively unspoiled, they are our clearest mirrors. As intuitive beings, they are tuned in on a feeling level and respond honestly to the energy as they feel it. They haven’t learned to cover up yet. When adults do not speak or behave according to what they are actually feeling, children pick up the discrepancy immediately and react to it. Watching their reactions can help us become more aware of our own suppressed feelings.
For example, if you are trying to appear calm and collected when inside you are feeling upset and angry, your children may mirror this to you by becoming wild and disruptive. You are trying to maintain control, but they pick up the chaotic energy inside of you and reflect it in their behavior. Oddly enough, if you express directly what you are truly feeling without trying to cover it up (“I’m feeling really upset and frustrated because I’ve had a rotten day. I’m mad at the world and at myself and at you! I want you to be quiet so I can have peace and quiet to try to sort out my feelings. Will you please go outside for a few minutes?”), they will usually calm down. They feel comfortable with the truth and the congruity between your feelings and your words.
Many parents think they have to protect their children from their (the parents’) confusion or so-called negative feelings. They think that being a good parent means maintaining a certain role —always being patient, loving, wise, and strong. In fact, children need honesty — they need to see a model of a human being going through all the different feelings and moods that a human being goes through and being honest about it. This gives them permission and support to love themselves and allow themselves to be real and truthful.
Sharing your feelings with your children does not mean dumping your anger on them or blaming them for your troubles. It also does not mean you can expect them to be your partner or therapist and help you with your problems. The more you practice expressing your feelings honestly as you go along, the less likely you are to do these things. Being human, however, you probably will dump your anger or frustration on them from time to time. Once you see that you’ve done it, tell them you realize that you dumped on them and that you are truly sorry, and then let it go. It’s all part of learning to be in close relationships.
Children also serve as our mirrors by imitating us from a very young age. We are their model for behavior, so they pattern themselves after us. Thus, we can watch them to see what we are doing!
Children often reflect either our primary selves (in the ways they are similar to us), or our own disowned selves (in the ways they are different from us). When they behave in ways that we find upsetting or mystifying, they are usually acting out one or more of our disowned selves — our shadow side. For example, a woman friend of mine is a very sweet, loving person who is a committed pacifist.
She was shocked and horrified to discover that her little boy loved playing with toy guns; of course, he was reflecting her disowned
aggressive side!
When your child does something you don’t like, tell him or her how you feel about it and deal with it directly, but, also ask yourself in what way that behavior mirrors you or how you might be supporting it in your own process.
For example, if your children are being secretive and hiding things from you, ask yourself if you have been really open and honest about all your feelings with them. Is there something you are hiding from someone or from yourself ? Is there some way you don’t trust yourself and therefore don’t trust them? If your children are being rebellious, take a look at the relationship between your own inner authoritarian and rebel. If your inner authoritarian has a lot of control in your life, your children may be acting out your suppressed rebellious side. Or, if you’ve acted out the rebel a lot in your life, they may be imitating you.
Take a good look at how these problems reflect your inner process. If you learn from your experiences and grow, so will your children. Externally, a lot of these problems can be worked through by deeply and sincerely sharing your feelings and learning to assert yourself, and by encouraging your children to do the same. You may want to get support from a professional counselor or family therapist to help the whole family change its old patterns.
I have found that, for many people, parenting has been a convenient excuse not to do their own learning and growing. Frequently, parents spend most of their time focusing on their children, trying to make sure that the children learn and grow properly. In taking responsibility for their children’s lives, they abandon responsibility for their own lives. This has the unfortunate result of making the children feel, unconsciously, that they have to take responsibility for their parents (because their parents are sacrificing for them).
Children may imitate their parents’ behavior by taking responsibility for other people, or they may rebel against the pressure to conform to their parents’ expectations by acting out the opposite of what their parents want.
Parents need to shift the focus of their responsibility fromtheir children back to themselves, where it belongs. Remember that children learn by example. They will tend to do what you do, not what you tell them to do. The more you learn to take care of yourself and live a fulfilling, happy life, the more they will do the same.
This doesn’t mean you should abandon or ignore your children. It doesn’t mean that you let them do whatever they want. You are in a deep relationship with them and like any other relationship, it takes a lot of caring and communication. It’s important for all of you to express feelings, make needs known, and set clear boundaries. Furthermore, you have accepted certain responsibilities to care for them physically and financially. You have a right to require their co-responsibility and cooperation in that process.
The key is in your attitude. If you truly see your children as powerful, responsible entities and treat them as equal to you in spirit (while acknowledging that they are less experienced than you in form), they will mirror that attitude back to you.
From the time they are born, assume that they know who they are and what they want, and that they have valid feelings and opinions about everything. Even before they can talk, ask them for their feelings about things they are involved in and trust your intuition and the signals they give you to know what their answers are. For example, ask them if they’d like to be included in an outing or if they’d rather stay home with a babysitter. Trust your feelings about which choice they are making and proceed accordingly. Then pay attention to the signals they give. If you take them on an outing and they cry the whole time, next time try leaving them with the babysitter.
As they grow older, continue to include them in family decisions and responsibilities. As much as possible, allow them to make their own decisions about their personal lives. This means they may sometimes have to deal with the consequences of making certain decisions. Offer them your love, support, and advice, but let it be understood that their lives are basically their own responsibility. Be sure you set your own boundaries clearly — what is okay and what isn’t. Making their own decisions does not include the right to take advantage of you. Above all, try to communicate your honest feelings to them and ask them to let you know how they are feeling. Almost all family problems arise from lack of communication. Your children certainly aren’t going to know how to communicate clearly if you don’t know how.
It seems to be terribly difficult for parents to give up living their children’s lives for them and start living their own. In order to do this, parents have to be willing to admit how dependent they really are on their children and how frightened they feel about letting go of them. These feelings are usually masked by a reverse projection — parents will tell themselves that their children are dependent on them and won’t be okay if their parents start focusing on fulfilling their own needs.
I have found that this is a false issue. The real issue is the parents’ feelings of dependency on their children, which they usually aren’t even conscious of! Children are so alive and exciting, parents often secretly fear that their lives will be drab and dull without their children. Or, perhaps they are just afraid to face themselves.
Once they recognize and acknowledge these feelings, they will begin to deal with the emptiness within themselves and their lives.
They will begin to look at what they want and how they can satisfy themselves. They will begin to trust their own gut feelings about things and act on them.
At this point, the children really start to flourish. They are finally liberated from the unconscious task of trying to take care of their parents; they are freed to make their own lives worthwhile!
The children start doing what they really need to do for themselves. They can now become the channels they truly are.
One couple who are close friends of mine have a beautiful daughter. Since before she was born, her parents were aware of her as a powerful being and felt that they were in communication with that being. I was present at her home birth — a wonderful event.
A few minutes after she was born, I was holding her and she looked strongly and directly into my eyes (I had previously heard that babies can’t focus at such an early age). It was quite apparent to me that she was well aware of what was happening.
She has been raised much as I have described. She has always been afforded the respect that she deserved and was treated as a highly conscious entity. As a result, she is a truly remarkable child.
Wherever she goes, people remark on her strong presence. It’s easy to see that she is an open channel for the universe.
Meditation
Get comfortable, relax, and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths and move your awareness into a deep, quiet place within you. Picture or imagine your child in front of you. Look into his or her eyes and sense the powerful being within. Take a little time just to be with this experience and receive any feelings, ideas, or impressions about who your child really is. Communicate to him or her, in your own words, your respect and appreciation. Imagine that your child is communicating to you his or her respect and appreciation.
If you have more than one child, do this with each one of them. This meditation is effective in opening the love and communication between you and your children, whether they are infants or adults.
Exercise
Practice telling the truth to your children and expressing your feelings honestly with them even if you feel vulnerable and uncomfortable about not being in control. Ask them how they feel about things and try to really listen to what they have to say. If you are tempted to give advice, ask them if they want to hear it first. If they don’t, tell them your feelings instead.
How well do you in sync psychologically with your child? Let’s hear comments below.
G2 Resolve 
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